Finding Harmony in Financial Independence
If you’d rather unwind with an audio version of this blog post, simply hit the play button. Each week, my blog takes on new shapes and forms, and while I have several topics simmering in my mind, I truly relish the chance to engage with your questions. One such inquiry came from Kurt, who was curious about how my husband and I achieved and maintained a shared vision for financial independence. What an insightful question! It prompted me to reflect deeply on our journey together, and I felt a wave of gratitude that we indeed share the same financial mindset.
Having a mutual objective significantly contributes to our alignment. We are both committed to steering clear of financial struggles today and in our retirement. Our aspirations are to work less while savoring family time, preparing for unexpected events, and minimizing reliance on outside income sources. These common goals are the backbone of our relationship and are openly deliberated.
Traditionally, conversations about finances—much like religion or politics—are deemed taboo. This societal norm often results in relationships where couples exchange tales of favorite foods, dream trips, and their love for adorable puppies (count me out on the beach walks!). Yet, delicate topics like student loans or income remain unaddressed until they inevitably surface, often fraught with secrets. How many couples stumble upon hidden financial habits or debts only to discover them well into their commitment?
Our dynamic was significantly different. Growing up with limited funds and experiencing the hardships of being a broke student instilled a fear of financial embarrassment in me—trust me, standing at the checkout, helplessly returning items, was mortifying. My husband’s journey was less rocky, but fortunately, both of us were transparent about our financial standings when we first came together. I was wrapping up my studies in Dunedin, living frugally, while he was already shining as a graphic designer in Christchurch.
As fate would have it, after returning from a lucrative mining job in Australia, I met him at my sister’s party—not quite the movie moment you’d expect, but certainly memorable!
Thanks to strategic choices in my undergraduate years—like taking two years off to work and save rigorously—I graduated without debt. Meanwhile, he lived at home, diligently worked during holidays, and financed his education without accumulating loans, influenced by his financial-savvy parents who encouraged prudent saving and investment strategies for the future. This foundation meant that by the time we embarked on our relationship, we both had a deep-seated understanding of money matters.
Our long-distance relationship in our first year led to countless phone calls and trips, which were infused with excited anticipation. Upon my graduation, we settled in Wellington, igniting what could only be described as lifestyle inflation. Rent, groceries, dining out (oh, the delicious Malaysian curry we indulged in!), and the expenses related to our pet cat added up quickly. We thrived in our spending, always opting to pay cash.
Initially, we split expenses down the middle until a shopping trip revealed the futility of constant calculations. Hence, we opened a shared account for major expenditures, while still maintaining our individual finances. As we grew more committed, we took the significant step of purchasing a home together, streamlining our finances into one shared pot. An amusing side note—while loading our groceries one day, we were graced with the stunning sight of the Queen driving past! We waved excitedly (I certainly did!).
Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
Our perspective on money is simple: it’s all “ours”—neither his nor mine. Regardless of who brings in what, every penny goes into our single fund. There have been phases where we earned similarly, times one of us didn’t work at all, and moments, like now, where my husband’s earnings surpass mine. Yet, we operate as a cohesive unit. Even though I manage our finances, neither of us “controls” the financial decisions.
A traditional budget has never worked for us. Admittedly, I struggle with the idea of tracking future expenses versus reflecting on past ones. My instincts are finely attuned to unnecessary spending, and aside from my love for Converse shoes, I have avoided any habitual splurging. Over 18 years, we’ve developed a larger vision for our future, even if sometimes we indulged in lavish purchases. Saving has consistently remained our priority, no matter our expenditure choices.
It wasn't until the Christchurch earthquakes that our earlier saving habits were put to the test. Although we hadn’t defined a specific goal for our savings, those funds became essential in navigating an emotionally and financially complex chapter of our lives. It taught us resilience—the emotional toll of financial burdens can tear partners apart, something I’ve observed in others. However, we have never argued about money, which is a rarity.
Financial disagreements tend to brew when couples fail to acknowledge each other's triggers. Misunderstandings about spending habits can cause conflict, as demonstrated in my parents' relationship. Their struggle stemmed from a lack of unified financial goals, leading to resentment and unresolved issues that piled on over time.
In stark contrast, our philosophy includes open communication about finances. We agree to discuss any significant purchases—often setting a threshold, though not in a controlling manner—ensuring we are both comfortable with each other's spending habits. It’s more about mutual respect than approval, keeping in mind how every dollar spent today may influence our long-term financial health.
Lessons Learned and Moving Forward
Having witnessed my parents' tumultuous relationship with money shaped my approach in more ways than I acknowledged. The truth is, it’s impossible to quantify the contributions each partner makes—especially as life evolves and demands shift. What’s mine is yours, and vice versa.
Always strive to participate actively in the financial landscape of your household, understanding that life can present challenges that temporarily affect contributions. Discussing your shared vision for the future is critical; knowing where you both want to journey together infuses everyday choices with meaning.
Empathize with your partner’s financial mindset; open dialogue is crucial. Kindness should prevail, ensuring that each financial decision considers how it impacts the other person. Lastly, resist the urge to purchase items that don’t enhance your life—a momentary buy may seem trivial, but it could divert you from future goals like savings, retirement, or travel.
To conclude, always keep your spending lower than your earnings. I hope my insights resonate with you, Kurt. The process of exploring these thoughts over a lazy afternoon with my husband—beer in hand—was an enjoyable reflection. Here’s to smart saving!
Warm wishes, Ruth
